Ugh!

Next time I make a stupid comment like the one I blogged about yesterday, someone please smack me.  I may have woke feeling great but morning sickness ran tampant all day yesterday and it's back again this morning.  Almost nothing sounds good but my stomach is on empty which only makes the nausea worse.  I almost got sick in my car twice today on the way in to work.  I haven't shared my news with anyone at work yet so I'm miserable on the inside yet trying to not let it show.  With my boys I didn't experience this.  I think that's a huge part of why I thought I would be a good candidate for a surrogate.  This is the first moment at which I have had any sort of doubts as to why I did this.  If someone had told me that I would be this sick, I don't know if I would have made the same decision.  Last night the fam shot off a few early fireworks and there I was...miserable...sitting in the back of the car just watching because moving around was too much effort and my stomach was weak.  It breaks my heart to see how much time is slipping through my hands.  Time that I can't get back with my kids.  Memories I'm missing out on making with them.  It brings me to tears as I type this.  Right now they see mom as someone who sleeps a lot and doesn't do much anymore.  They know I'm carrying a baby for someone else but I don't know that they understand this is all a temporary side effect of that.  Who knows what others who don't know are thinking.  I mean, I have gained 7 lbs already in a very short period of time.  Surely that has to show.  I guess this is the not so glamorous side of surrogacy.  It's the raw, truthful side.  My heart is still very much into it and I know the finish line is within sight.  I cling to that.  I cling to the images in my head of E&G seeing their precious newborn and hearing it make its first blood curling cry.  I imagine that tears of joy and flood of emotions that will be shared in that room on delivery day.  Crazy enough I actually feel a little better physically now from having typed this.  I guess I just needed to get that off my chest and refocus once again.